Saturday, February 26, 2011

Life’s Twists and Turns – Realizations, gratitude, moving on and a whole lot more.

This ain’t a rant one, don’t worry. I’m glad to say I had moved on! I am starting a new attempt now on rebuilding my living and so far, it is working out. Well of course it’s still a nano-sized one but I won’t stop until I make it big!

I wanted to enumerate my realizations but I guess it will do more justice if I were to explain them with details. It’s my journal anyway and no one is supposed to be reading this, well unless some curious people stumbled upon it. Hey, I don’t mind. They just have to have a strong immune system to resist the urge to throw up on some cheesy parts or be grossed out on my tantrums-driven rants.

I had a recent travel. It was a majestic place from far far away. It was Sagada. The very thought of it bring chills to my spine. Well, two things. I loathed it because it caused THE major relationship catastrophe last December 2008. Need I say more about that? Well yes. In a nut shell, my boyfriend traveled there secretly. It drove me nuts since I so hate being lied to. So there, it quasi -ended our relationship for weeks. And it took me years to get over that feeling of distrust. It may sound shallow, but believe me; it’s not, at least not for me. Another thing is: I was secretly craving for it. I wanted to see it all by myself, yes, as in ALONE. I know that is a crazy thing. My bf wouldn’t even entertain the idea of it. The idea is that I wanted to create a memory of my own. I know the place is majestic but I wouldn’t accept that fact unless I have seen it myself. Of course I would not want to hear it from my bf saying it was a paradise where in fact he sneaked behind my back just to go there. He lied of being in the office where in fact he’s doing some dangerous stunts inside a cave. Call it a payback, I do not care, because maybe it is. I would like to have that liberating feeling of not caring for anyone and anything else but myself. Of course given such boundaries like, no flirting, stay safe, and the likes. And then something magical whispered into my parent’s ears. They would like to go to Sagada and I can tag along. That answered my cravings. I started googling about the place and created my teeny-weeny itinerary. 

Historical Hanging Coffins at the mouth of the Cave
Our stay will just be for one whole day and the rest are travelling time. I only had two things in mind then – the big cave and the big falls. I know my parents will not be physically able to do spelunking so I braved myself for a solo one. Sure I won’t be literally alone since I have a tour guide with me, but that’s it. Me - A Stranger -Cave. It is surreal. It is so autistic-like. But nevertheless, I conquered that thought. I will be doing it for myself. I won’t chicken out even if the first step I took inside sent the bats on a concert and freaked the hell out of me. I won’t back out even if it seemed pointless at first because of the awkward silence between me and the guide. But then he began talking and guiding me into the abyss. Everything became interesting and challenging. And just like that, I entrusted my life on to a complete stranger. Yeah I know I am responsible of the climbs and all, but he could have left me there. He could have run with my camera. He could have raped me. But he didn’t. And I know he won’t. And then I realized, it just took minutes for me to entrust my life with a stranger and years to entrust my heart with someone I love. I mean, don’t get me wrong I can trust him my life without even thinking but he knows it took a lot of time and effort for me to completely trust him my heart. And when I say trust, I mean the feeling of a jealous -free connection. It’s like my heart is always in doubt. But now, I can say I am all his and I trust him my heart. (Damn, is there any other way to address a heart without having this corny feeling??) And yeah, it took me some years to figure that out. Is my heart more important than my life? They’re both fragile, right? As I descended to God knows how deep that cave is, I asked myself all that, and no, I did not expect an answer.

The Sumaguing Cave alone is easier compared to Lumiang Cave Connection. That is why I am planning to go back to complete that. But hey, it’s not bad at all. I am so proud of myself for completing it  and took care of myself most of the time. You can count on your one hand the times I had to be pulled up or pushed up. And then, I fell down.  Yes it was painful but a simple “are you okay” pushed me to compose myself. I did not want to look pitiful. I stood up all by myself and laughed as if I was really okay. And I wondered, am I really okay? If I were with my family at that moment, it may have caused quite a stir to them. My mom could have panicked, my dad could have gotten angry, my brother could have laughed his ass off and my boyfriend could have been worried like hell. And then I answered myself, “Oh yeah, I am okay!” Things like that may be magnified in the real world. And on a moment like that, it will all boil down to simplicity. I have fallen several times outside the cave, but now I know better. Just throw outside forces like pressure, pity, envy, greed and everything will be fine. Just pick yourself up and try again. Just like that. No drama.
Inside the pretty pretty cave
The Majestic Waterfalls
Sagada is a heaven on earth. I am really short for adjectives to describe its beauty but let me try. It’s majestic, raw, magical, mystical and special. On our way on the higher mountains of Mt. Province, I couldn’t help but watch the sceneries from the bus’ window. It was so breathtaking! Although the ride was long, curvy and somehow dangerous, I did not mind. It was all worth it. I will definitely go back to this place given the chance and resources. For years I never travelled without my bf. And that place became mine alone. And yeah, maybe he thinks the same way. It was his liberating place, that one time in his life when he only thought of himself. And when we decided to go back there together, it will be ‘our’ place, a place where our lone memories meet. And from there, we will make new ones. Purely ours.

A simple yet meaningful life

Me and my mom trekking along the rice terraces
I have always told myself that I will never invest on physical luxuries. Things like a huge house, a top of the line car and expensive gadgets. I want to invest on memories. To feel, to hear, to touch, to taste, to witness the world. As I was having my trip to this magical place, I talked to HIM several times. I thanked Him for a marvelous creation. I feel so darn lucky to be able to appreciate it that much. I soaked it all up. I felt being one with nature. I know it’s kind of crazy to talk to trees, water and caves but I did. I talk to animals all the time, why not talk to nature as well, right? I told Sagada that she might have heard it a lot of times before, but I would like to repeat it to her ear that she is indeed beautiful. I promised her that I will come back and maybe stay a little longer. I think I just fell in love with her. I would actually want to be her honorary child. It’s overflowing with rich cultures, interesting tourists and locals and a simple living. And just like that, Baguio had been snatched of its top place on my heart. Sorry Baguio, but the city seems so shallow to me now. Your pine trees won’t suffice anymore. I want tea-producing trees, big caves, big falls, crazy tiring trekking and all that. Yeah, taxis are convenient, but no fun. 

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