Friday, March 25, 2011

The Worst

The title is referring to me. Yep! I received that title this afternoon. I am the lamest of all lame, the ultimate anti-social freak. We were on the mall and my boyfriend just awarded me that title with this phrase "Seriously, you are the worst." And I deserved it. Let me tell you why.
Me and my boyfriend decided to go to the mall to buy a last minute gift for his niece's birthday. It was already 2pm and we should be going at 4:30pm. Basically, we were in a hurry. To somehow contribute to our semi-hastening, I decided that we should split up and do our own things first before buying a gift together. He wanted to smoke. I wanted to go to the restroom. He agreed.

As we bought a some juice on the food court before he goes out (he can't smoke without drinking or eating something tasty), I heard my name being called. I looked around and saw my previous colleague. She was with her husband and kid. Her name was Ayee.

Ayee used to be more than an officemate to me. We used to exchange texts constantly. We rode the jeepney together everyday. Until I left that job. From then, I seldom heard from her. Her last text was about giving birth to a lovely little daughter. I did not bother to visit her. I said I was busy but the truth is, I was dodging an awkward semi-friend* meet up.

*Semi-friend - noun, someone who is not as dear as a real friend, yet behaved more than a colleague. Meeting up with them requires random interesting stuffs to talk about if ever the topic of the previous job is depleted.

Anyway, there I was, approaching the dreaded semi-friend. In my mind, I had summoned three topics that we can discuss. How is she, where does she work now and her child of course. And then boom, I had managed to squeeze in all those topics in one sentence! Damn, now what. She asked me several questions and I had answered them in one-liners. And then there was the awful and oppressive awkward silence. I bet I looked stupid at those very moment, blabbing aimlessly just to fill in the silence. Three minutes seemed so long before I managed to escape.

I decide to go outside and trash my split-up tactic. I waited for my boyfriend to finish his cigarette while he laughed how awful I was meeting up with other people. He said I needed a seminar on how to prolong random conversations and his mother should be the speaker. I wanted to agree except that I am also dodging some time alone with his mother. I am so weird. I know I can talk non-stop with people I share interests with or people I care about (Trust me, those people are just a handful) but when it comes to some people, I am just plain boring.

I totally forgot that I needed to go to the restroom. So there, after one cigarette, I asked my boyfriend that we use the other door, the one away from the food court. As we entered, I looked around and saw no familiar faces... I felt safe again.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

One Small Step for Man, One Big Leap for Mankind.

I am talking about this palette below. This is our first step on planning our wedding! And boy, this is a one huge step for a cynical person that I am! 

This will be the colors of the wedding. Not yet sure how we'll play with those colors, but one thing is for sure, I won't wear a black gown. I am having a lot of ideas right now, but let me digest them first. More on that later!

Blog Title

Kismet: a predetermined course of events. Why?

Well, first of all, I am not that big a fan of destiny and all that stuff. I am not against it either. I believe in God's will, and I think that is in other words, Kismet - well, in a mushy mushy kind of way. 

Okay, I was just amazed by the word itself. I first read it as a song title by the band Silent Sanctuary (a band that I dearly love). I thought it was genius and original as a song title. And now, a blog title. Not so original, huh? Plus apparently, as I checked the availability, a lot of bloggers already chosen some varieties of the url Burn. Anyway, I still love it. 

Totally irrelevant postscript: 
I wish I have one of those kick-ass photos that bloggers used to post on their blogs. Sad. I do not have an interesting life right now and a huge professional camera to capture it. I made the image above tho, hoping it will make any difference. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I have killed a lot of journals and blogs. I hope this one's going to stay longer with me. 

Dance with Kismet. This blog is about me. About my dance with fate, destiny and every stupid things in between. Being the bum that I am today, I would not only want to kill time but also to immortalize the crazy things coming inside my idle mind. 

If you can notice, my avatar is about to get married! That's me, people! Maybe a year and a half from now. But nevertheless, let me document that journey here as well. 

I am a travel freak. Only that I still can not fund that addiction as of now. Once in a while, I go out but it may take a lifetime to tick off every item on my travel list. Be with me, but be patient for I am not in a hurry to complete them.

I do not have a dysfunctional family, that may be funny but I have an awesome one. They, together with my boyfriend, spoiled me rotten.

I studied for five years, reviewed for one year, got my licence, worked for three months on my first job, then 6 months on the next, then two weeks on the other, then four months on the last one. I just couldn't keep a job, I know. And then I found my passion - business. By the way, my course and license is far from business management but I enjoyed and handled it so well. But then no matter how tightly I held on to it, it still slipped. It got robbed empty. So there, the short story how I became a bum.  

I can be a huge snob at times, especially those who can't catch my interest. Sorry but that's who I am. To some I can be very open. To this blog, I can rant, cry, be pointless, complain, be deep, be emotional, be funny and tell stories with gory and/or boring details. 

I am currently looking for a job. I know it will destroy the little self-proclaimed princess inside me but it will help my boyfriend fund our wedding money. Say "awwwww".

This is supposed to be my pilot post but I decided to insert some past entries from my other journal. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The time when the sea rose up to the shore.

Water as high as the trees

March 11 marked a date in the history. Japan was struck by an unprecedented magnitude of earthquake. It was crazy! It even motivated the sea to rise above its normal comfort zone and hasten its way to the streets. Some people call it tsunami, but I prefer calling it that way. A lot of people died and properties were destroyed. More importantly, it caused a very interesting damage into the minds of a lot of people, not only in Japan, but in the whole world. It was the idea of Armageddon.

It was just so surreal. Wars are everywhere. I am not sure of the cause but Australia had some serious problems. New Zealand buried a lot of bodies too. And now, Japan. It’s overwhelming to see these oh-so-powerful countries be crumbled into ground. It’s heartbreaking seeing properties destructed and be haunted about the fact that inside those properties, houses, buildings, cars – people are actually stuck inside them. Those are human beings for crying out loud!

Crazy Shallow Thoughts

This got me thinking - I am at times shallow. How can I be worried about my nail polish color? The night after I heard the news about Japan and how a lot of people are contemplating about the end of the world, I cried. I cried not because a lot of people died or because of worries about salvation, but because I may not be getting married. It was a big deal for me! Me, walking down the aisle, blushing bride, looking perfect, being anticipated by my man – that is my dream. And what if the world just melted at that very instance?
On the other note, I also got pissed of myself when I realized I have been checking on calories of the food I am eating. You see I have been doing the treadmill for a week now. It’s crazy because the more I exercise the more appetite I am getting. I exercise and burn 90 calories and then I drink a hundred-calorie glass of Coke. And my tummy is so stubborn it got me thinking it is inflatable! There are times that it seems fairly flat, and just a single glass of water after, it’s suddenly pregnant. When did I get this vain?

On my defense

Nail polish makes me happy. It’s like a cushion when I’m feeling a bit down. It is quite a cure for my sagging self-esteem. I just look at my nails and smile. Just like seeing sunshine on my fingers. Maybe I’ll lose this addiction once I got back to my usual self - fierce yet happy. On the drama about my wedding, yeah I may pull of a bridezilla stunt if ever the world began falling apart on or before my wedding day. But it will not hide the fact that may be the best day of my life as well. As my boyfriend saw my worried look, he said the most perfect thing. He told me I should not be worried at all for the best wedding is waiting for us in heaven. I should not have any sour feelings towards God’s plans. And after all, there is no better venue than that! Even better for a honeymoon location! And also, after billions and billions of years, how awesome will it be that He chose my era for the Revelation? That is sweet, right, being fetched from earth to heaven by no less than God Himself. How lucky can I be?

I have read on the Purpose Driven Life that we, people, should not cling to any worldly things. These are not ours anyway. I agree with that. As I browse through my other journal, I have seen my to-do list. Yeah they’re awesome. But aren’t they a little worldly? Hmmmm… Okay, I admit, I may be quite fascinated by the earth’s tourist spots, but just because it’s His creation as well. I just appreciate it that much. And the thought of those trips are the memories that will be invested. Not the luxury of the travels.

Hopeful yet Accepting

I still hope that this is not the end. But if it’s time I am more than willing to submit myself. May God bless us always, most especially our souls. May we deserve to stay in heaven with all our ancestors and be home at last.  

Thursday, March 3, 2011

My love-hate relationship with my journals

My teenage journal must have looked like this.

I have always kept journals since my grade school days. It has never ever ended up well for them. But I love them, I always do. My first one I think was the one with secret letters on it. I used some kind of improvised secret letters which can only be decoded by two people in this world. Me and my childhood best friend. Or so I thought. If I will be able to see that journal now, I could have easily deciphered its contents. Come on, our secret letters were just normal letters interchanged. M would be N, T would be S, I would be E. Something like that. It was funny. I can’t even remember its contents and why I had to throw it away, but I’m guessing I just grew tired of it. I also had one in high school. Of course, at that age, what more can you expect from an adolescent kid but some entries about crushes. I never grew tired of that journal but I felt the need to burn it. Yes I burned it, with fuels and flames! I felt like it was never safe. I was always on vacation then and I just left it at home. There was this one time where I have to seal it by stapling all the leaves shut. So yeah, I had to cremate my beautiful journal just to leave it at peace. I also had a spiritual diary. I just love it for it has been with me the longest. Don’t ask what happened to it. I also kept a blog. It was short-lived. I guess I have never been the public figure that I always seem to be. I did not want anyone I know reading that blog. So again, I trashed it, just like that. I also tried micro blogging with twitter. But then I realized a thought squeezed in 140 characters is so pointless. So I abandoned my twitter all at once. 

And now I have you. How will we end up? I mean, how will you end up? I guess I’m starting to love you. I spend too much time with you. You have my words, you have my thoughts. You withstand my rants and obsessions. No one will ever be this patient. I hope fate will be kind with the two of us this time.